Being the True Account of the Life of William Shakespeare, performed by Mr. William Beeston, Gent., and his Troop of Alchemical Spirits, at Posbrook Farm, Titchfield, Hampshire, in the Year of Our Lord, 1623.
TO READ EPISODE ONE , PLEASE CLICK: HERE
TO READ EPISODE TWO, PLEASE CLICK: HERE
TO READ MORE ABOUT SHAKESPEARE THE PLAY PLEASE CLICK: HERE.
EPISODE THREE
BEESTON
The Countess of Southampton had been banished from the Court, like her near neighbour, the Countess of Pembroke. So the Two Ladies set up their own rival establishments. They decided to stage the entire Wars of the Roses in the grounds of their estates – script by William Shakespeare. There was one problem, though…..Will knew nothing about history…But he knew two men that did! Tom Nashe (NASHE enters)……
………..and Bob Greene! (GREENE enters)
Will employed his old enemies and hid them away here – at Posbrook Farm….
(GREENE and NASHE sit at a table with tankards, quill pens, books and sheets of paper, writing away)
GREENE
Where is he then? (Silence) And why am I here?
NASHE
The answer to the first is, ‘I don’t know’. The answer to the second is ‘you need the cash’. Willy Shakespeare’s cash….
GREENE
The Countess of Southampton’s cash. I only work for old money….
BEESTON
(To Nashe and Greene) More sack anyone….?
NASHE
We’re working, ‘Apis Lapis’….(NASHE tries not to laugh at his own joke and nearly chokes at the effort)
[‘Apis Lapis’ is pronounced, by NASHE at least, as ‘ARPIS LARPIS’]
BEESTON (aside to audience)
‘Apis Lapis’ was Tom’s little joke. ‘Apis’ is Latin for Bee and ‘Lapis’ for stone. Bee-stone. Beeston. Me. Jokes like that ensured that little Tom was destined for oblivion….(Back to action) Come off it! (Picking up a book then tossing it down) Learning is a mere hoard of gold kept by a devil, till sack commences it and sets it in act and use…
GREENE
Belt up. (The two men are used to BEESTON boring on…)
BEESTON
What about cheese then? I’ve got some in the loft….
(NASHE and GREENE shake their heads as they write on)
BEESTON
What about Molly then? She’s in the loft as well….
(Before the two men can answer, SHAKESPEARE enters, now flashily dressed)
SHAKESPEARE
Sorry I’m late, chaps. Just been with The Two Ladies…..
(GREENE and NASHE look at one another. BEESTON pours sack into a tankard for SHAKESPEARE)
SHAKESPEARE
We’ve come up with a title…. ‘
The First Part of the Contention betwixt the two famous houses of York and Lancaster, with the death of the good Duke Humphrey and the banishment and death of the Duke of Suffolk, and the tragical end of the proud Cardinal of Winchester, with the notable rebellion of Jack Cade: and the Duke of York’s first claim unto the throne…
GREENE
Snappy…..
SHAKESPEARE
They want Queen Margaret to be a real ball-breaker of a woman….
GREENE
Another attack on the Moon….
SHAKESPEARE
A part the Countess of Pembroke can really get her teeth into…
BEESTON
Well it’ll make a change from getting her teeth into Walter Raleigh….
IMAGE
(He roars with laughter – none of the others do…)
[Note: Raleigh should be pronounced ‘Rawley’]
GREENE (capping him)
I’m surprised she’s got any teeth left! (All roar with laughter this time…except BEESTON)
BEESTON
(sarcastically) I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men….
GREENE AND NASHE
WILL YOU BELT UP!
BEESTON
(Looking up at the loft, shouts) Molly! I’m a-comin’ h’up! I like it when you smell of cheese…(and leaves…)
NASHE
Why do aristocrats love acting?
GREENE
The women are bored and the men are vain…Simple as that….
SHAKESPEARE
The Countess of Southampton wants us to build up the part of Joan of Arc…
GREENE (Speaking together)
The Papist trollop….
SHAKESPEARE (Speaking together)
The holy martyr….
NASHE
This collaboration’s going to be interesting…
GREENE
Sorry, Will. I cannot compromise my artistic integrity for anyone….
(SHAKESPEARE places a gold coin on the table in front of GREENE)
GREENE (taking up a quill)
Act One, Scene One…..(EXIT)
BEESTON (re-entering)
Harry turned seventeen….And read the seventeen Sonnets Shakespeare had written for him…
(Enter HARRY with SHAKESPEARE following behind, quill and paper in hand)
HARRY
(Brandishing the seventeen pieces of paper) Master Shakespeare, these Sonnets are an utter failure…(SHAKESPEARE looks crestfallen) I still don’t like girls!
(SHAKESPEARE rallies: it’s not his writing that is being attacked after all)
SHAKESPEARE
Even though you look like one?
HARRY
Are you being offensive?
SHAKESPEARE
No. It’s the theme of this new sonnet I’m writing about you….
(SHAKESPEARE sits and writes. HARRY hates not being looked at, so he reads aloud from his Birthday Sonnets, gesturing with his hand as he recites)
HARRY
Unthrifty loveliness, why dost thou spend
Upon thyself thy beauty’s legacy….
(HARRY’S hand-gestures turn into a suggestion of masturbation)
Does that mean what I think it means? (SHAKESPEARE continues to write, not looking at him) And what about…..
No love towards other in that bosom sits
That on himself such murderous shame commits…
(Looks down at his codpiece)
Master Shakespeare, are you implying that I am a…(He is about to say ‘wanker’)
SHAKESPEARE
(cutting him off) Sir! I have nothing but the highest respect for you…(hesitates)…love, even….
HARRY (brightening)
You do praise my beauty….
SHAKESPEARE
And continue to do so in this…..
HARRY
Let’s hear it then! (He lies back, anticipating flattery like a warm bath)
SHAKESPEARE
It’s not finished….
HARRY
(Suggestively) Perhaps I can give you some ideas….
SHAKESPEARE
(Pretending not to pick up the implication, reading from his Sonnet)
A woman’s face with nature’s own hand painted
Hast thou, the master-mistress of my passion….
(HARRY shows interest)
A woman’s gentle heart but not acquainted
With shifting change as is false women’s fashion….
An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling….
(HARRY can contain himself no longer)
HARRY
See! You don’t like girls either!
SHAKESPEARE
(Ploughing on)
Gilding the object where-upon it gazeth,
A man in hew, all hews in his controlling
Which steals men’s eyes…
HARRY
(Excited) Ha!
SHAKESPEARE
….and women’s souls amazeth……
(HARRY, disappointed, groans)
And for a woman wast thou first created
Till Nature as she wrought thee, fell a-doting….
(SHAKESPEARE is unconsciously beginning to find HARRY attractive)
HARRY
Go on….
SHAKESPEARE
That’s as far as I’ve got, sir….
HARRY
Would you like me to finish the Sonnet for you, Master Will….
SHAKESPEARE
The greatness of your words, sir, would utterly eclipse my own…I shall finish the sonnet in my own spare time.
(SHAKESPEARE folds the paper and starts to put it away)
HARRY
(Suddenly imperious) Finish it NOW! HERE! (For a moment we should think that SHAKESPEARE is about to tell HARRY where to go. But HARRY, sensing this, immediately lightens his tone and starts to flirt) As Master-Mistress of your passion, I command you!
(SHAKESPEARE seems to comply. He scribbles a few lines…then hands them to HARRY)
HARRY
Till Nature as she wrought thee fell-adoting….
And by addition me of thee defeated
By adding one THING to my purpose nothing….
(HARRY looks down at his cod-piece again)
Master Shakespeare, does this also mean what I think it means….?
Your conclusion, please…..
(SHAKESPEARE scribbles again – and hands him the sheet)
HARRY
But since she prick’d thee out for women’s pleasure
Mine by thy love – AND THY LOVE’S USE THEIR TREASURE!!!
Is this a poetic way of telling me to get stuffed?
SHAKESPEARE
No, sir. It’s a poetic way of telling you to stuff women…
(MARY SOUTHAMPTON enters…….
…… looking white and shaken and near to fainting. SHAKESPEARE sees her and kneels. Alarmed)
SHAKESPEARE
M’Lady….
(HARRY looks round and bows stiffly)
MARY
I have some dreadful news….(SHAKESPEARE rushes to her and leads her to a chair) The Moon intends to beam over Titchfield….(Blank incomprehension from the men) Queen Elizabeth is coming to stay!
(HARRY and SHAKESPEARE look aghast. BEESTON claps. All exit)
TO READ EPISODE FOUR PLEASE CLICK: HERE.
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